Kumarahou

My type of medicine

My darling bought me a beautiful deck of cards called “The universe has your back” (by Gabrielle Bernstein). I pulled a card for myself. It says: “I let go of the shadow of the past by seeing someone for the first time with the eyes of love”.

Who is this person? Myself. I could see something lovable and forgivable in others before, but not in myself. This has changed. I see myself as actually lovable. There is something valuable about me.

Before I hated being different. The rejection I often got from not being like others. I thought it was a curse. I couldn’t see my value or purpose. But perhaps it was more about the season of the world.

I used to live beneath the surface, hidden in the darkness, while others thrived. Not just because the conditions weren’t right for me, but also because certain events needed to occur to activate my growth. Like the Kumarahou.

I had to wait until it felt like my whole world was set on fire (in my case,  burnout. Mahuika has a dry sense of humour I think). To my untrained eye, all I could see was failure and devastation for miles around. A sense of the end of the world. Death and destruction. Loss of purpose. It all sounds a bit dramatic but this is truly how I felt!

In hindsight, it was a death of sorts. The structures that framed my view of the world were not natural. The beliefs, measures, operating systems (you get the picture) I once lived by were not designed for me to thrive. They were actually designed to block me from ever seeing the light of day. They had to fall.

But when you think of those post-apocalyptic movies, how do the man-made structures look?

Despite the way they tower (iykyk), mother nature reclaims the space, and life begins to thrive again, with greenery and birdsong.

Okay and the occasional zombie... But this is what’s important to notice. The zombies have no real life. They are just appearing to help you remember you have all the power you need to delete them.

Where was I? Oh, Kumarahou. I learnt that this plant would grow after a forest fire. You might think Kumarahou doesn’t look very flash. You might even perceive it as a bit of a weed. But don’t underestimate it. It has a gift for bringing things to the surface to be released. Old stuff that you weren’t even aware was in there!

It helps you clear space within yourself and gives you room to breathe (a tohunga told me it is good for bringing up phlegm that has been sitting in the bottom of the lungs for years. Good for kaumatua who smoked in their youth and now have a hacking cough).

It has other gifts as well. I just haven’t learnt them yet (If anyone else can share some korero with me about Kumarahou I would be so grateful!). Anyway. I’m choosing to frame this phase of my life in a more natural way. Today I am in wananga with Kumarahou. Kumarahou is teaching me that new life truly can spring from the ashes.

It’s natural to grieve the world you once knew, even if it was toxic to you. It was still your toxic little world and no one else needs to understand that. Lol. Rebuilding might take a lot of work, but you’ll be able to avoid old design fails, and you’ll have a deeper gratitude for the little things in life. Like your loved ones, genuine friends, a fresh start.

Let tomorrow take care of itself. The birds are singing. The rains will extinguish any still-smouldering areas. Take some space for yourself to breathe. Rest. You’ve been through some intense stuff! Awhi yourself the way you would awhi someone you deeply care about. Fire transforms. Maybe Kumarahou is good for processing stuff. Removing what is no longer needed. I wonder.

I thought I had to go and walk for miles in the bush to learn rongoa. I forgot we are all one. The energies without are also within! I love that I get to connect with my beautiful plant whanaunga in such a personal way. I am privileged to be Maori.

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Ok it’s been a few days since I wrote that and it actually helped me! I started to recognise a few zombies in my own world. People/places/things that used to be massive triggers. I noticed myself becoming very guarded in certain situations, and when I later reflected on them I realised they no longer had power in my life. Just zombies passing by. It might sound a bit violent but I can visualise myself casually taking out a revolver and BOOM splat begone zombie scum…

This sharing my writing buzz is a bit scary ay. I read back over what I have written and wonder if it even makes sense to other people. I jump all over the place and lose my train of thought, and wonder if I’ve lost you in the process as well! One minute I’m talking about loving eyes and then I’m splattering zombies. Aue!

I’m learning to not be a perfectionist. If I allow perfectionism to enter into this there will be nothing published. Ever. Bear with me. I’m hoping that in time I’ll be real flash at writing. Until then, just know future me is already cringeing hard.

Oh! That’s what I wanted to say. Maybe my season is coming and the world will need something different. Maybe one day, something I write will be helpful for another hori, in wananga with Kumarahou.

If that’s the case, I got you cuz (lips juju’ed and eyebrows raised high).