When can I officially give up? I’m tired of staying positive I feel like my soul is bleeding out But I’m supposed to smile I’m full of rage But I don’t feel safe to speak Lest I make someone with power “Uncomfortable” Is it wrong to want to watch the world burn? Even if I go down with it? If I too end? I need some justice, man
Just as I wrote that last line, a notification popped up on my phone. Lisa Cherrington had posted: “The strength in our stories”.
I so appreciate her persistence through the ups and downs, and her openness in sharing. To write this poem and feel all gloomy, only to have my own words thrown back in my face was pretty epic ha! Her post was rongoa for me. The dying embers of hope were stoked. A tiny flame began to dance amongst the kindling of her awesome kōrero. My inner rebel takes a deep breath. Tihē mauriora!
I picture my own little superhero story. The (s)hero has been beaten down and lies in the dust, defeated. But a glow appears in her chest. It grows, and reinvigorates her body. She slowly pulls herself up, and looks at her hands, as if for the first time. The earth falls between her fingers. As her strength returns, she declares: “By the power of NEHO, I rise again!” She leaps into the sky to battle some more.
How interesting, when I’ve got no pep left in my step, no hope, no smile. There in the shadows awaits an abundance of stubborn.
What am I learning? Maybe for me, in order to reach my goals, I have to “reverse-psychology” (psychology? psychologise? Aua…) myself. Perhaps I need to see all of the reasons I can’t achieve or be something. And then resist my way to it. Tell me I can’t. You just WATCH.
I guess it makes sense. My spirit is free and unlimited. When I try to point it at a target it feels controlled. I try even harder, and my dreams get further away. Maybe I should say: “You can’t be a writer” or: “You’ll never own a home, you hori”.
Well I’ll be. My fire is blazing.
I feel like Mahuika has given me a fingernail. AND said how to use it!
I wrote down how discouraged I felt. And then other words were placed before my eyes. Telling me to get up. I get the sense that my kaitiaki were listening. I was trying to be all artsy. And authentic. And moody. And they were like: “Och! Stop mucking around and feeling sorry for yourself!”. A gentle slap upside the head. Message received. And also: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. But I like you and I’m grateful for the encouragement. So this time I’ll take your advice.
You’re still not the boss of me though.
I also happened upon another Substack writer. I don’t know much about her yet but this post spoke to me too. It didn’t feel like an accident after the last message. Her name is Elin Petronella. Her Substack is called “Follow your gut”. The post I stumbled upon is “Whatever you do, own it”.
Fuuuu, a clear piece of advice for me. Who thinks about posting something. Over thinks, over criticises, puts herself off and posts nothing for a YEAR.
The post discusses fear, control, insecurity, cultural/societal influences and hidden/internal limitations. Boy have I recognised these themes in my life over the past year… Anyway, I was encouraged. To just write and post. And let go of the outcome. Go have a look at her Substack. She might inspire you too!
So here is my first post in aaages. Started in 2023, finished in 2024. Thank you for being here. A year ago I was preparing myself for a new job-new town-new chapter. The great unknown. It was a good experience and I have no regrets, even though my ultimate goal wasn’t reached. But so much happened, and I lost momentum in this space. I changed a lot as a person and didn’t want to write the same way anymore. I felt scared to disappoint the people who had subscribed, by changing direction. I became paralysed by fear. Every time I attempted to write something new my inner critic tore it to shreds. That’s where it ended. I thought I would be closing the whole thing down to be honest. Thank you Lisa, for the gentle boot up the bum.
I actually stumbled across another substack post by a writer I’d never read before. Her name is Ruth Allen and her substack is called “Breccia”. The post I read was called “Nurturing counterpoints in 2024 and substack as mini-press”. In here she wrote stuff that set my heart free.
Reframing substack the way she did just gave me so much permission and freedom to create what pleases me. I need to find a way to NOT SEE if people subscribe or unsubscribe, and just publish like a boss, no apologies given. If someone doesn’t prefer what I publish, they don’t have to read it. Simple. Well…
I’m still learning how to own myself. I spent a LOT of life feeling like I owed everyone else. No more. This life is mine. I will mess it up as I see fit and leave you to mess up yours in your own way. Same with this substack. I appreciate every single one of you who have subscribed/read/supported me on this platform. And I understand if this isn’t your flavour anymore. Try some new stuff! It’s awesome! And, here there is still the residue of a lifetime of approval seeking. This will fall away in time. I’m “uncomfortable”. Hmmm. Thought that poem was me. More like my inner child speaking to my ego, wanting it to burn and die so she can breathe again. I don’t have a flash way to tie this korero up. You’ve just got to the end and that’s it. I need to publish it now. And I CAN. Cos I’m the boss of this (yippeeeee!). Im gonna make a bloody good mess.
Thank you for the poem. I’m scared sometimes and it is a beautiful message of hope. And thank you for the guidance re substack, I appreciate it! In this moment my intent is to get some practice posting things whenever the spirit moves me, then digging holes to hide in until I really do find some ease in risk. Thank you for being here. *side note - I don’t know how to do the responding on the ghost site but I am still devouring it so happily hehe
So much in here I want to respond to!! First of all, yay, you’re back! I had noticed your absence and wondered, now I know (and completely relate). But first, I read a poem this week, which, when I read this post made me think of it again.... in particular the line that stood out to me “find ease in risk...” (there’s so much risk in writing, maybe that’s what they really mean when they say writing is lonely...? ) Anyway here’s the poem and I’m coming back separately with another thought!
FOR A NEW BEGINNING
by John O’Donohue
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life’s desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.