Healing

With atua

I have been battling with imposter syndrome for the past little while (totally not looking at you, Whiro), so I’ve decided to try noticing which other atua I’ve been in wananga with, even if it wasn’t conscious.

I’ve been experiencing some really heavy energy lately. And I’ve had to just sit with it. No bullying myself for being emotional ‘for no reason’ (I hear Whiro - “I’ll give you something to cry about!”). No endlessly analysing myself, trying to figure out “what is wrong with me.”

What is, is.

This morning I greeted Tangaroa. He reminded me why it is not wise to turn my back on my emotions. Just like turning my back on him, when I refuse to look at/acknowledge my feelings they creep up and give me a slap upside the head.

Hineteiwaiwa has also made her presence known. Bringing things from my past to the surface. Weaving forgotten threads back into my life, in new ways. Concealing some things. And reminding me of the strength and support of other wahine.

Instead of trying to swim against the tides and see what is not meant to be seen, I’m trying to make like driftwood and just go with it. Sometimes it feels like I’m on a magical journey. At other times it feels like a direct face-plant onto wet sand. Followed up with a white-wash arse-kicking.

Despite the chaos, I emerge transformed. Raw and new, I’m noticing the world with fresh eyes. The force of the water and the journey itself has sculpted me into something new.

Perhaps a piece of dead wood wasn’t the best choice of visual here… lol.

I guess I’m noticing myself healing. I believe it is through connecting with my atua. As I learn more about them I gain a much deeper understanding of myself. Hineteiwaiwa is allowed to keep things hidden if she wants. Perhaps that is one of the ways she protects me. The old unconscious safety blankie. And maybe Tangaroa is so loud because he is trying to remind me to listen. To what my emotions are telling me. They are a bloody good guidance system. They demand my attention just as Tangaroa’s beauty and power does.

I am transforming from someone who felt ashamed to be me, who I thought had to earn love and be someone else, into someone who has value in some kind of way. Just for being me. Another shoot in the whakapapa of Tane.

Divinely human.

So if Whiro says “Who the hell are you to have a newsletter on Substack? You ain’t the authority on atua Maori! You aren’t even a writer!” I can tell him to take it up with Tane. I don’t have to be a professional writer and I don’t have to know everything about te Ao Maori. I don’t even have to know how to work Substack properly! I am the expert of my life experience and I’ve been climbing to reach these kete for what feels like FOREVER. Tane has shown me that these gifts are mine for the taking. My divine inheritance. I never had to climb at all. My heart is one with Papatuanuku and my feet are planted in the heavens. Let me bear fruit to sustain future generations. I am so grateful for my beautiful atua. All of them.