Being mature

Betrayal burns, right? But you get up, dust yourself off and start again. Disillusionment is a biatch too. Again, dust yourself off, take a deep breath and start again. I’ve basically lived by the idea that I only have to get up one more time than I fall. But right now I’m having a spaz all the way off the path. Eff this and eff that. Like my whole being is screaming: “Neho!” (with echo effect added).

I’m in the mood for a wee spot of destruction.

Who is the atua of disappointment? (I immediately get a visual of my own flat expression floating in the clouds. The mantra would be: “Ehhhhhhhh”). I’ve been working so hard! To love myself and to not give up. I saw a meme on some social media platform that resonated so much. It said: “If I have to go though any more character development my character is gonna develop into a villain.”

I really FELT that.

How have I dealt with this moment in my life? By isolating of course. Withdrawing completely from the world and then crying over how lonely it is in my dark little bubble.

Well I can’t show people the REAL me now can I? They must only see quiet, reflective, thoughtful me. Who occasionally offers wisdom. Sage-like. Not my inner musical drama (Heavy metal-opera sprinkled with Prince. An occasional gong and thunderclap also). So that’s where I’ve been if you wondered.

I’ve learnt something though. There is always going to be at least one other person in the world feeling the exact same way. Share the ugliness. Not sharing it allows the shame of a heavy heart to continue. Do something different to what you’ve always done. Feeling disappointed or let-down isn’t shameful. It’s bloody NORMAL. And why is it that when I’m in a space like that, all I can see in my mind’s eye are people who hate on me? Seriously? There are many beautiful souls in this world who might feel a bit less weird knowing that they’re not the only ones having these dark moments. Life has seemed pretty tough lately, for various reasons.

I made contact with an awesome friend, only to discover she’d been through the same damned thing. We had each suffered alone, unnecessarily. So we came up with a plan. In future, if we are struggling but we can’t even talk about it or explain why, we just message: “Code blue”.*

Then someone else knows and can show they care. A simple compliment might be all that is needed to interrupt the loop of negative self-talk (or operatic drama).

*Code Blue is not to be confused with Code Brown (strictly reserved for experimental moments gone wrong. And never to be spoken about again. Ever).

So lessons have been learned. Codes have been assigned. Looking to the road ahead. Have I regained my zen-like state? Nope.

How will I move forward then? I can’t just pretend life is all roses. It looks like, one step at a time, I will move in the direction of my dreams. Middle finger of each hand raised high. Chin jutting out defiantly. Like a mature adult. Hi aue hi! BLEH!